I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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