i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
