So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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