I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
