y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
