It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
