ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
