she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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