Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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