No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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