Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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