Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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