Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
