Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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