Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
