She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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