i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize