Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
