I've blown a few things in my day
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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