I wannas sexs uuuuu
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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