god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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