explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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