You smell like a Billy Joel song
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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