What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize