come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
