Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just want nice things and good sex
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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