Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
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Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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