I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
