I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
