tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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