WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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