Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
