Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
