I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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