I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
