Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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