He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
