cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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