guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
