i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
