I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
