I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
