I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
