I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
