zippers are such a cool invention
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
