I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
