tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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