i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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