You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
