You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
