I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize