This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
