And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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