Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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