he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize