i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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