Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
