My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize