; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
