if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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