I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize