Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
