he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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