Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
