Your mouth is God's brothel.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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