IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize