Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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