this beer tastes like vomit already
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
