her vagina looked like bernie madoff
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
