I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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