you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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