Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
