and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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